I was digging in our garden when I found a chest full of gold coins. I was about to run straight home to tell my wife about it, but then I remembered why I was digging in our garden. My grandfather says I'm too reliant on technology. I called him a hypocrite and unplugged his li...
There are people out there worried about the gender of a plastic potato. VOTE Toilet Papered Joke: Neighbors house got TP'ed last night... Now it's listed on Zillow for $12.5 million. VOTE Quarantine Joke Joke: I told my wife how thankful I was to have someone I enjoyed being ...
If you bring up plastic surgery in Hollywood, no one raises an eyebrow. My girlfriend thinks I am incapable of being faithful but my wife never mentions it. I went from 0 to 50 in half a century. Whoever named them 'missiles' wasn't being very optimistic. I would be willing to have...
“A good rule to remember for life is that when it comes to plastic surgery and sushi, never be attracted by a bargain.” Graham Norton Some People Shouldn't Write Signs! Some signs either make no sense or too many! On a bathroom door: "Toilet out of order. Please use floor below....
"Don't worry;" says the doctor, "I'll put some cream on it." "You will never find that bee. It must be miles away by now." "No, you don't understand!" answers the doctor, "I'll put some cream on the place you were stung." "Oh! It happened in the garden in back of ...
Clubbing/Plastic Surgery Horrible Night Out In L.A. My Mirror Works/Things I Can't Do Home Protection Strip Clubs Bachelor Party Party Like A Rockstar Increase Your Loads Wikipedia Obama Having A Baby Lost A Friend Nice Tits, Tough Guy Where Do I Know This Guy From? Obi Wan Story Kate...
53. I lost my job at the bank on my first day. A woman asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over.54. Why did Waldo go to therapy? Because he needed to find himself.55. How do you row a canoe filled with puppies? Bring out the doggy paddle.56. What did the ...
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People should be thanking me! The plastic surgery assocation should be giving me freebies! → I’ve learned not to take those “World’s Most Beautiful” or “Sexiest Alive” titles too seriously. People can be named the best anything depending on who’s voting. Sometimes it’s three peop...
The actuary on the ground yells to the people in the balloon,“You must be in marketing.” They yell back,“Yes, how did you know?” The actuary says,“Well, you’re in the same situation you were in before you talked to me, but now it’s my fault.”(addition by both John Dini...